quaaaake

[i got a bit tired of the WoW grind, so I cranked up Quake for a while.¬† Memories surfaced –¬†quite some time ago I took this from a usenet posting and applied considerable editorial license to it… original text by winkler@henry.com]

Quake is devoid of clutter. Just sitting here at my computer desk makes me realize how universal clutter is. You sit around and a mess will follow. Now, bear with me, the Ogres, Knights, Shamblers, etc, in Quake don’t do much until you show up but sit around. So, where the hell’s the clutter?

I’ve yet to see a empty can of soda, ashtray full of butts, or mcdonald’s wrapper strewn about. What the hell do those wee beasties do when you’re not around? Apparently nothing but wait for you. This isn’t very realistic. Everyone gets bored after doing nothing for a while.

I can just see it now, in Quake II, you walk into a room and there’s a grunt and his dog playing fetch. Two ogres are cheating a zombie at poker in a corner. The shambler is passed-out again. A Vor is muttering high treason over paperwork at a desk (“Quality of the latest pineapples,” he writes, “is substandard at best.” He really wants to write something else).

You load your shotgun and suddenly you’re the center of attention. The shambler goes “whazzat?” and he and two zombies start blasting away at you while another zombie atarts grabbing at everyone else’s chips. The grunt picks up his gun and absentmindedly throws the stick over his shoulder in to the lava pit, which the dog obediently tries to fetch. The ogres both go scrambling for their gernades and chainsaws, which for the life of them they can’t seem to get started. One of them trips and lands on an ammox box, which explodes; Ogre Number Two thinks this is the height of humor and doubles up in laughter just as you gib him.

The cowardly Vor bugs out into the next corridor, screaming into his walkie-talkie for air support, and for the troops to “Lay down a suppressing fire! And I want good groupings on those kills!”

Quake doesn’t allow you to strip naked. Think of the confusion this would produce during a fire-fight. Three guys are blasting away at each other when along comes a buck-naked guy with a gun. Everyone stops in amazement and panic. Maybe he’s crazy. Bad crazy. They don’t know what to think. Then the naked guy gibs them all.

There should be monster droppings everywhere. The levels aren’t all that big, and there are between 30-70 monsters on each. They’ve been there for a while before you came, so we can either deduce that these monsters have no excretory needs, or that ID WAS SLACKING!

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