template <What> on a [M————] <Where>

I think we know why the movie Snakes on a Plane more or less failed; it was the stupid title. Anyone could come up with a better name for a movie than that, and even Samuel Jackson can’t save a film if the title is a bogus, second-rate cast-off from the 50s.

With a decent title this film would have lived up to its promise as a great action flick. But you can’t save Hollywood from itself.

And so…

I’ve come up with some better titles. In fact, I’ve tried to come up with 26, one for each letter of the alphabet. I’ve stuck to snakes, or reptiles where possible, and similarly airliners (or at least forms of transportation), but there are so many more possibilities….

Asps on an Airliner
Boas on a B-52
Cobras in a Corvette
Diamondbacks in a Dive Bomber
Eels with a Euro-Pass
Fer-de-Lances on a Fishing Trawler
Geckos in the Galley
Horny Toads on a Helicopter
Iguanas in an In-Flight Refueling Tanker [okay, it’s a stretch]
Jeepers! (subttl: Giant Jiggers on a Jet)
Kookaburras in a Kayak
Lawyers Strapped to the Landing Gear [comedy]
Mambas in the Mail
Nutrias on a . . . WTF is a Nutria?
Octopuses on an Oceanliner
Pythons on the Poop Deck
Quetzals in a Quandry [okay, you do Q]
Rattlers in a Rocket
Sidewinders on the Shuttle
Turtles on a Turboprop
“Uh-ohs” on a U-Boat
Vipers in a Vanagon
Weasels on a Weather Balloon
X . . . argh
Yaks on a Soyuz
Z . . . I’m outta here

Only two (well, three) flame-outs, and I didn’t even need the “M” word! Suffer, Hollywood. You can call my agent for licensing details.

Best line from a hypothetical movie:

“I’m gettin’ m——–g sick and tired of all these m——g lawyers strapped to the m——-g landing gear! . . . wait a minute, what am I saying? I love these lawyers strapped to the landing gear! You got more lawyers? We’ll find more landing gear to strap ’em onto!”

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