Attending a modern political debate

cavemanhacker

Don’t use pine for your sign handle. Instead, find some good ash or hickory, the kind they use to turn out good quality baseball bats and axe handles. For the sign itself, a thicker gauge of sheet steel is best. Steel is heavier but lots more durable than cardboard or aluminum, and it takes and gives a beating. Steel also carries a nice, sharp edge that is unparalleled when you need to make an effective argument, and it will get your message across even if you can’t spell worth a damn.

Get a real pair of boots, okay? You may be into hi-top sneakers or loafers, but a good pair of steel-toed work boots will do wonders for your confidence. Just knowing that you can kick the shit out of someone who’s holding onto a weak or immoral position will have you unconciously holding your head high, your shoulders back, and wishing that you’d sprung for the fifty dollar truncheon instead of the one from the bargain bin.

Speaking of truncheons: Rubber-coated, steel core and integrated lanyard. That’s all you need. If you have something that takes batteries, that’s a goddamned flashlight and you’re going to look awfully silly trying to make your point once the D-cells have flown across the room because you forgot to Lok-Tite the cap. Use the right tool for the job.

That super-sized, cherry-red can of Obliterator! brand pepper spray indicates that you are a nOOb. Watch the old timers; they choose their targets with economy, generating maximum outrage and news footage with a few well-placed shots. You honestly don’t need more than a couple of ounces, and even a little of the cheap stuff goes a long way. Try some on yourself if you don’t believe me.

It’s amazing how many people will fight to the death for their right to remain indifferent.

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